Saturday, 17 December 2016

A Brexit Carol Act III

Everyone can relax because this over-extended joke is nearly at an end.   Before this turns into "Keith Lemon: The Movie" let's get on with Act III.  This time, we meet up with Bernd in the year 2021, some time after the UK has shot itself in the head and left the EU.  Advance warning: the dramatic tension of the piece is rather undermined by the simple fact that nobody from Germany will be looking to further their career as a technical specialist in the UK five years from nowI know that, you know that, we all know that.  Nevertheless, let's trudge on with the conceit and get this tidied away once and for all.  Simply enjoy.


Act III: The Ghost of Brexit Future

Stage directions: A grotesque and frightening apparition appears at the side of the stage. It has the head of Boris Johnson. It also has the body of Boris Johnson. Basically, it is Boris Johnson. Apart from the sign now saying "Pleasure Pal 2021", the stage is otherwise unchanged form Acts I and II.

HR Person: Well, Bernd, we'd love to make you an offer. We desperately need technical leadership on our team and you're the man for the job. What do you think?

Bernd:  I am a bit concerned about the salary.  It is a bit low, to be honest.

HR Person: Bernd, Bernd, Bernd, this isn't the job it would have been five years ago.  Stripping away all the health and safety concerns means that our product pretty much designs itself.  No need for all that technical expertise to get through the safety testing these days.  That really held back our product line.  Happy?  We just need to get you to fill out some paperwork so we can apply for a work visa.

Bernd: A work visa? You mean that my right to work in the UK is tied to my employment here at this firm?

HR Person: That's right, Bernd. That's the only way we can legally employ you. 

Bernd: That's a big risk on my part. What if it doesn't work out? I'd need to leave the country if it is only my STAINS credentials that secure the visa.

HR Person: Yes, you would need to leave, I'm afraid.

Bernd: And my wife? Can she get a visa?

HR Person: Is she also a STAINS engineer?

Bernd: No, she's an optician.

HR Person: I doubt she'd get a visa for that. Does she like picking fruit? Potatoes? Turnips?

Bernd: Not really. But even if she doesn't work she can still come and live here, I guess.

HR Person: Let me just check the minimum income requirement for spouses of non-UK nationals. Right, she can join but remember that is subject to changes to the legislation. We're basically paying you in stock so your actual salary is quite close to the boundary.

Bernd: Oh. What about my son?

HR Person: What about your son?

Bernd: Can he transfer his university course over here?

HR Person: That depends. Hmm, there are only so many student visas issued each year. He might have to wait or get lucky. Can't answer that definitively, right now. He definitely can't work here, just need to make that clear.  Oh, and he'll have to buy his own health insurance.  The NHS isn't for you lot, you know. 

Bernd:  That sounds a bit expensive, to be honest.

HR Person:  Well, yes and no.  Lots of cheap potions floating around here now.  Word to the wise, Bernd, be careful at the chemists.  They never did sort out a replacement for the European Medicines Agency so, you know, take a squizz at what they're giving you.  Don't want anything turning your water green.  Ha ha ha.

Bernd: Oh. Any news on pension transfers? How does that work when I retire back to Bochum?

HR Person: Well, you'll need to cash your pension in here. The UK Government is no longer beholden to the European Occupational Pensions Authority.  In fact, this'll tickle you, the UK Government isn't beholden to any pensions regulator because they haven't yet set one up.  Bernd, we're in control here now.

Bernd: That sounds a bit risky. I'd obviously want my pension in Euros.

HR Person: You could always rent your house out after you leave. That could make you a few quid extra.

Bernd: Am I allowed to buy property here?

HR Person: Need to look that up, old bean. The UK Government never actually legislated for that after we left the EU. My advice is just don't tell anyone you're German. It's one of those hanging threads, you know? You getting cold feet, Bernd? Hey, we'll throw in gym memberhsip for the first two years. Happy?

Bernd: Not really. 

HR Person:  Quick word in your shell-like, Bernd?  Stay away from the nuclear plant.  You'll know you're near it if you see a glow on the horizon.  Turns out those Euratom chaps knew a thing or two. But we're in control now and that's more important, in my book.  

Stage directions: Bernd stands up with all the effort of a broken man. He begins sobbing uncontrollably as his dreams are crushed. A crash sounds out from stage left, followed by an enormous lumbering mecha-bot belching smoke and dripping milky goo in its trail.  The mecha-bot is firing its venom in all directions.  Bernd ducks and experiences a series of near misses.  HR Person isn't so lucky and take a direct hit that floors him, while steam rises from his dissolving suit.  The curtain closes to the sound of wailing and crying at all the lost opportunities.  The house lights come up as the apparition walks menacingly to the centre of the stage and stares with evil intent at the audience.

Apparition:  We've taken back control.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Stage Directions:  The apparition's laughter sounds out with a punishing cascade of never-ending feedback. 

Note:  All exit doors are to remain locked throughout to ensure that nobody can leave to go and watch a better play at a rival theatre. Passports to be carried at all times.


*******************The end**********************


  1. Phew. Thanks goodness it ends


    We have control of everything, well, actually, the Americans have quite a lot of control, what with the wars and the weapons and the trade agreement that does away with health a safety.

    Likewise the Chinese, what with the nuclear plants in England and the railway in England and the water companies in England. And all the lead paint and dicey wiring on electrics that we have to buy from them becasue we can;t afford European ones.

    Fantastic all this being in charge and taking control.

    Bless you Mr Farage.

    PS. Can we do a trade deal on the robots...? I'm not entirely sure i'd be too happy with a Brit made one. Lord only knows what the safety features would be. And that could be... erm... yeah

    1. Being in charge and taking control means doing exactly that. Not seen much action so far. I kind of suspect it will all just be given away again to the US or whoever is first in line to sign a hasty trade agreement. Poisonous paint additives, chemically washed meat, CFCs everywhere. Coming to a shop near you.

      Thanks for sticking through a punishing theatrical experience. I know the doors were locked but, you know, you didn't smash the fire alarm to get out.

      Hold out and save up for the German bots. Oohh jaaa.


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