Friday, 16 December 2016

A Brexit Carol Act II

Yesterday was Act I of "A Brexit Carol".  Catch up if you haven't already read it.  Actually, don't bother because you can "enjoy" Act II without any knowledge whatsoever of Act I. To be honest, I don't think satire is my strong point. Anyway, it's Christmas and we should celebrate our last year as full members of the EU with a terrible play.  Let's just get this over with and tidied away as quickly as possible.

Act II: The Ghost of Brexit Present

Stage directions: A grotesque and frightening apparition appears at the side of the stage. It has the head of Liam Fox. It also has the body of Liam Fox. Basically, it is Liam Fox. Apart from the sign now saying "Pleasure Pal 2018", the stage is otherwise unchanged form Act I.

HR Person: Well, Bernd, we'd love to make you an offer. We really need a top STAINS guy on our team and you're the man for the job. Welcome aboard! Now, you said you had some questions.

Bernd: Yes, just a couple of questions. Will my wife be able to join me and work? She's a qualified optician.

HR Person: That's all a bit up in the air at the moment, old chap. She'll be able to work in the short term but after 2019 that might no longer the case. Don't worry, with the wages we're paying you I'll bet you can get a lawyer to sort that out and get her qualifications recognised here in the UK. That should stop her being deported, at least.

Bernd: Any chance you could pay me in Euros? I'd be a lot happier with a stable currency.

HR Person: Not really, Bernd. Our European investment fell through so we're entirely funded in Sterling now.

Bernd: Oh. Any news on the ERASMUS scheme? My son is finishing up his studies and will likely join us here.

HR Person: As long as he finishes his course by March 2019 I don't see a problem there.

Bernd: I'm not sure that works out for him.  He was talking of a gap year. Hmm.

HR Person: Anything else?

Bernd:  I'm very close to my mother.  She's always wanted to visit Scunthorpe.  Will she need a travel visa?

HR Person:  Hey, you think I'm a fortune teller now?  I can't answer that kind of question.  I do know that a visa for non-EU nationals can run up to a couple of hundred pounds.  You might as well ask me to estimate the cost of importing your possessions across the customs border.  Ha ha ha.  

Bernd: Ah, right, what about my pension. Do you know if pension transfers will still be available when I come up to retirement age?

HR Person: That one's in the stars, Bernd. Do I look like I know Liam Fox?

Bernd: I guess I'm still a bit worried about my ongoing rights and the attendant costs of living here with a potentially diminished status. You know, access to healthcare, property, unemployment benefits etc.

HR Person: Are you playing hardball, Bernd? We really can't increase our offer just on the basis that you might have to pay for access to the NHS at some point in the future. That wouldn't be fair to our UK staff.

Bernd: Hmm, I need to think about this.

Stage directions: The pair stand up and solemnly shake hands. Bernd and HR Person wander off stage right looking worried. The house lights come up and the apparition walks menacingly towards the centre of the stage and faces the audience.

Apparition:  That's more like it. We've taken back control.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Stage directions:  The apparition looks very pleased with himself and throws his head back to laugh a demonic laugh that echoes throughout eternity.



  1. Oh lordy, I can't wait for tomorrow. Denouements are such fun! Do the bad guys get their comeuppance? Does Boris Johnson get his head cut off by King Salman? Does David Davis find his brain? Does Liam Fox get the job of potato peeler in the chip shop? (Probably not; he'd end up peeling the fish!)

    I mean you have done an third act haven't you? It's not like Schubert and his unfinished symphony, is it?

    OK... I don't expect you to give away the plot but I'd really like to know when the robots make an appearance.

    1. Well, you'll have to wait for Act III on Saturday. That's theatrical speak for "it's not written yet". In that respect, I am following the UK Government's lead on their Brexit plan. Take that Hogarth!


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