Thursday, 15 December 2016

A Brexit Carol Act I

It's mid-December so it's high time that we all enjoyed a Christmas special to get us in the mood for the last ever season of EU goodwill. Not only is it Xmas but this blog is coming up to 6 months of unnecessary verbiage and is already on its 52nd post. There is a lot to commiserate. Sorry, I meant celebrate. How best to do that? Well, I thought that a play might be the appropriate choice. The play is called "A Brexit Carol".  It is a two-hander featuring Bernd from Bochum (great guy, look him up if you're ever in Bochum) and a highly nuanced character called "HR Person".  Watch out for the special guest stars in each Act.

Please take your seats.  5 minutes to showtime.
The play is in three parts, building up to a dramatic crescendo that will surely begin my new career as leading satirist and enfant terrible of the theatrical world. In the play we finally get to meet Bernd from Bochum. He is at the top of his game in the nascent sex robot industry and has applied for a job at a leading research company in Scunthorpe. With Bernd's talent and their European investment everyone is going to become stupidly wealthy. Can anything go wrong? Let's find out over the course of three drama-filled Acts. Act II will be posted tomorrow and Act III will follow the day after. I know that makes no sense at all but I haven't yet finalised the rest of the play that is the way it is in Brexit Britain.  Blame Farage if you want.

It's time to take your seats and watch the curtain rise for the first Act.  Enjoy.

Act I: The Ghost of Brexit Past

Stage directions: A grotesque and frightening apparition appears at the side of the stage. It has the head of David Davis. It also has the body of David Davis. Basically, it is David Davis. He is watching two people sitting opposite each other at a desk in the centre of the stage. One is wearing a suit and has a large box folder labelled "Human Resources" to the side. The other has thick glasses and all the outward signs of a STEM mentality. Above the desk there is a huge corporate sign spelling out "Pleasure Pal 2015: the whole experience, get yours today".

HR Person: Well, Bernd, everyone here is really impressed with your skills in the emerging field of Stimulated Artificially Intelligent Neural Sensing. It really is an honour to welcome one of the top global STAINS experts to our team. It's your turn to ask the questions now before we sign the deal and bring you over from Bochum.

Bernd: Thanks, I'm really excited. I have a few questions, if I may. Will my wife be able to work here? She's a qualified optician, which is handy in my line of work.

HR Person: Sure, all EU citizens can work here. We're in the EU and I can't imagine that ever changing. Ha ha ha, what a thought! She can apply for any job she likes or even set up a business. Ha ha ha, she could even become a dog hypnotist. That's a thing, you know.

Bernd: My son is a student. Do you know if the ERASMUS scheme operates here?

HR Person: It certainly does. He'll be able to transfer over and continue his studies. There are excellent universities with a real international flavour right here in town. He can even take up a part-time job to help him pay for nights out and fund his band. Young people always have bands, don't they?

Bernd:   I'm a bit worried about my pension. Can I transfer that back to Germany?

HR Person: Of course! We're regulated by the EU Occupational Pensions Authority, you know. Bernd, let me assure you that this isn't some cultural or financial backwater. This is modern Scunthorpe. We don't hang monkeys as spies any longer. Ha ha ha.

Bernd: This all sounds great. Just a few more questions. We'll all have access to the NHS? I mean, I won't have to pay extra for health insurance. That would make your job offer much less attractive.

HR Person: The NHS is available to all residents of the UK. We don't discriminate here, Bernd. It's only monkeys we hang as spies, remember?

Bernd: This all sounds great. How about buying property? Do I have full rights with property? Renting here is so expensive and I've heard that there are very few protections from landlords.

HR Person: Yup, if you see a house just go ahead and buy it. We're all going to be stupendously rich, Bernd, so I'd advise getting the biggest one you can find. Plant a massive German flag in the garden, if you want. We're a very tolerant nation.

Stage directions: Bernd and HR Person stand up and shake hands. They then throw huge piles of money in the air and laugh uproariously until they are hoarse and fall to the ground exhausted. The curtain falls to the sound of echoing guffaws and uncensored joy.  The house lights come  on.  The apparition wanders to the centre of the stage and stands in front of the curtains staring with evil intent at the audience.  

Apparition:  This has to stop.

Stage directions:  The apparition laughs demonically, throws the black hood of his coat over his head and then shuffles off the stage.




  1. Can you cut all the plastering around with the EU crap and get down to the nitty gritty...

    When do we get to see the sex robots?


    1. I don't want to give the game away but this play has a bleak ending for the Pleasure Pal 2018. We need those German experts.


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