Wednesday, 10 August 2016

The Timeline of Life and its Entropic Consequences

I am figuratively frothing at the mouth, metaphorically tearing my hair out.  Today, I read a report in The Independent about the Labour Party's leadership election.  I was only vaguely reading it because I'm really not all that interested in the topic.  Yes, this is how I fill my valuable time in 2016 while waiting for some potatoes to come to the boil.  Then I hit the second sentence in the following paragraph -


That is quite a sentence, isn' it.   Let's deconstruct that for a couple of paragraphs like the career semioticians we always wanted to be as teenagers.   First, it is unattributed.  We have absolutely no idea who said it or why that combination of words formed in their mouth and/or brain. Did it form in the mouth before or after it formed in the brain?  Did a GMB activist say it?  Did a "journalist" at The Independent say it? Did it come from a contestant or was it shouted out in joyful chorus?  I don't think Jeremy Corbyn talks about himself in the third person but did he say it?  I've no idea but answers on a postcard labelled "blame" to the usual address.  It's worse than that, though, because it is worded as though it has already been reported in The Independent but without supplying a link. It just says that the same newspaper has already reported the unattributed quote.   It is odd for a digital-only newspaper not to supply a link to its own content.  Maybe the original article reports the owner of the quote.  Probably not, though.  I think the best part is that the report came "afterwards".  Of course it came afterwards you blithering "journalist" dimwit.  It could hardly come before because that would be a prediction rather than a report.  Reports of events always come after the events themselves.  I do know how the timeline of life works, you know.  Not quite so sure about The Independent.

Before all that recursion and time-shifting makes my head hurt, let's move on to the final assault on human dignity.  "If the audience were representative of the public at large, every home on the planet would have a sex robot", reported The Independent at the sex robot users' club annual convention.  "If the audience were representative of the public at large, every single dog in Sunderland would enjoy the healing benefits of hypnotism", reported The Independent at the dog hypnotism (Sunderland branch) society jamboree.  "If the audience were representative of the public at large, literally everyone would have joined a religious cult and escaped its vice-like grip using only a laser gun and a jetpack and a pencil", reported The Independent at the jetpack and laser gun workshop for European pen-phobic cult survivors.  Please, someone tell the junior reporter at The Independent or the GMB or Jeremy Corbyn or whoever the potato it was that contributed to a universal increase in non-recoverable entropy about the importance of population sampling.  Just saying.


I think some random at the meeting is responsible for the quote but bloody heck it is time for a lie down so that I can forget I ever clapped eyes on the thing. And relax.  Zzzzzzzzzzz.   Argh, no way, the potatoes have totally turned to mush now.  Grrrrrrrr.

Over and out,

PS Tomorrow is red tape day.  Thrilling stuff, indeed. 


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